what do you do???

What do you do to hide?
we all hide in someway, some of us are just way better at it then others. Some people hide who they really are, or the heart that have because it is painful to show it, some hide it because it is embarassing, or it is a scarry thing to reveal. Some people hide as a way of running and not facing life on.
I have been guilty of all of these ways of hiding and more at different points in time and I am sure if you are honest with yourself, you have been too.
I am not as good as hiding as others those. I am not as good at running as others..somone always catches me. And I am Hthankful they do, because when I am running I don't always look up and see where I am running and often it is not in a good direction. And when I am hiding and I get found it is not always in the safest of places either.



what do you do to hide? why do you hide? where are you running? Look around you, where you are hiding is it really a safe place? look up where you are running to, are you running in a good direction? Or are you looking at self distruction, are you looking at more wounds from your running path or hiding place...just know from an expert it is never to late to come out of your hiding place, it is never to late to change your running path or directions. It is never to late to stop hiding or running from life. And another tip from someone who has learnt the hard way the longer you hide from it, and the further you run in a not so good direction the more bruises, scraps and gashes you will have to heal when you do finally stop running or hiding from this thing we call life.

When you come out from hiding from whatever you are hiding from, or you stop running from whatever you are running from..I cant promise it will be easy, actually I can promise it will be hard but it will be worth it. And I can promise amongst the hard times, the healing times, the crying times, the hurting time, the facing life face on times there will be some really good times to be had.

This Time of Year

It is the Christmas time of year once again. It is a time of many celebrations and a time of stress, and a time where people can take the JOY of the season away. I am a people pleaser, so I will try to make everyone happy or comfortable or whatever the case is. Today I came to this realization that by trying to make everyone happy this holiday season I have been missing out! I have been stressing out! I have missed out on the JOY. Well not completely missed out on the JOY of it all but it has come pretty close.
There is this saying that I have heard that you will find JOY when you live your life like this; putting Jesus first then others then yourself. Somehow in all the bussle of trying to make people happy, make all christmas celebrations(which I want to be at, I dont want to miss them or the people at them) I have skipped a step. I have skipped the first step of putting Jesus first, putting him before the happiness of others and before myself. My priorities haven't been right. Funny how that seems to happen, funny how as I talk to people they have the same problem at this time of year, and really the stupidest part of all of it would be the fact that this holiday, this season all of these celebrations are celebrating the gift of himself.
It is time to stop and to celebrate, to celebrate family, friends, the year that passed but most of all the gift that has been given to us.

Dancing in the Rain

Sometimes life sucks! Sometimes life feels more then what you can take! Sometimes everything seems so confusing! Sometimes life seems so huge! Sometimes Life seems so happy! Sometimes the joy is overwhelming! Sometimes life feels perfect!
Sometimes life feels like a huge storm, and then there are times when you feel like you can see the end of the storm and then it rains a little bit more, or it even pours. Sometimes all it takes is a little bit more rain to knock you down to the ground and make you feel like you just can't take it any more, it feels like you can not take one more ounce of hurt, or ounce of anything for that matter...and that is when you have to, even if you feel like you are dying inside, stand up and learn how to dance in the rain.
Dancing in the rain can feel so refreshing, feel so lovely, it is when you are dancing that you will see that glimpse of hope, find that glimpse of joy.
So, get up and dance..try it..it is not easy, I never said it would be, I know..it is harder then it sounds, trust me I know. But get up and dance, dance through the storm.

Opinions

I have heard it said that when you submit to someone else's opinions you lose a part of yourself.

How true is this. We so often submit to someone else's opinions of who we are and how we should live, and when we do I believe that we lose a part of ourselves.

Now this being said I am sure this isn't always a bad thing, I think people are put into our lives to help us change, to mold us to help us grow to be better people, or achieve who we really are to be, to keep us on track in life, so submitting to some opinions can be good.

But those aren't the opinions that I am talking about. I am talking about the ones like..what you dont have five kids yet you are wasting your life? what you better get married now your clock is ticking? or the take that hat off, you dont wear hats in church? or what are you doing calling yourself a christian and sitting in a bar? or that isnt the proper way to talk to someone, or proper way to be, or proper way to do your hair..you get the point.
When you fold the things that make you, you, when you give in and say who I am isn't enough, I need to be more to impress this person or that person. when you take away parts of you for fear of offending the people around you, you are submitting to them, you are giving a piece of who you are to a garbage can so you can make someone else happy..is that really what you want.
You want to take your hand and put it in the garbage can to impress the people around you? you want to take your thoughts and throw them out because they dont fit the right box or what that person is telling you is the right box. Please dont throw yourself out. Dont sell yourself short, dont lose yourself to make people happy...cause I like yourself. I actually more then like it I love it..you being you makes life interesting.

dont submit to others opinions, dont lose yourself, dont lose your passion.

Who are you

you have a magnificint story, you have a lovely life wheather you know it or not. The question is though, are you living your life to make a difference?

Did you know that you are so important that you make a difference everyday?? There is always someone watching you, looking at you, looking to you. You are always influencing someone whether you know it or not it is true.....so look at yourself...who are you? are you someone that you want your little sister/brother to date? are you someone you want your kid to grow up to be? are you someone you would want to be friends with?
Are you living your life to make a change? are you living your life to be a good influence on those around you?

Are you making every moment count? because life is short and there are a lot of people watching you, learning from you......may I make a suggestion? You need to step up your game, you need to beable to look at yourself and say I like this person and I am living a good life a life that will make a difference.

God I'm Lonely

Have you ever sat in a room with a hundred people and felt all alone? Have you ever sat in a room with twenty people and felt so very alone? Have you ever sat in a room with 5 people and felt like you were so far away from everyone, so very alone? Have you ever sat in a room by yourself and wondered if there is anyone else in the world who ever feels as lonely as you do? If anyone else has ever been through what you have been?

That kind of loneliness is not hard to come by, and not easily answered...because the truth is no one has ever gone through what you have gone through, every moment of joy, every moment of pain, every smile, every tear they are all different. Not one life is the same, not one pain is the same, not one tear is the same, not one smile is the same, not one feeling of joy is the same.
Oh yes people can say that has happened to me, or has happened to someone I know, but the truth is they went through something similar but it truly has never happened to them or to someone they know...scary eh? Every situation is different, they don't have the same family as you, they don't have the same friends, they don't think the exact same way as you therefore what they are have gone through or are going through is not the same, they haven't been through it, they can sympathize, or celebrate with you but can never fully understand.....you are alone in a room of a hundred people, you are alone in a room of twenty people, you are alone in a room of five people and when you sit alone and think about it, no one has ever felt exactly the same as you, no one has ever been down the exact, exact path as you..maybe a very similar one but not the same..it is lonely...or is it??

Are you alone? Think about it..because really you aren't, there is this magnificent God who walks along side of you smiling at the things that make you smile, and shedding tears for you before the tears even come close to burning in your eyes...and on top of that in case that isn't enough or you can't see that He has placed some wonderful friends/people around you, who may never exactly know how you are feeling but they care deeply...Just know that...know that you are never ever ever alone.
And know that in this feeling of being so far away, so alone, so bored, so scared of sharing your loneliness or the things that are making you feel alone, you aren't really alone...and this I have to remind myself of constantly.

It isn't like I thought it would be

I have struggled off and on in life with memories and my dad being who he is or now who he was. And the anger that comes with that and the sadness.
And I really thought in my head that when he died it would all go away. or it wouldnt bug me as much. But man was I wrong. Him dying seems to have made it worse..there are added feelings of guilt, and sadness a different kind of sadness, and hurt.
But just like everything else in life, I will put one foot infront of the other deal with the moment and in the end be just fine.

Life's Fast Balls

You know when life throws you a fast ball..and that fast ball actually hits you really hard and it hurts. It doesnt actually just hurt a little it hurts bad! What do you do?
The average person feels pain, maybe cries a little and then gets up and moves on rubbing the bruise every once in a while, and being made aware of it when it gets hit again or you bump into something.
But what do you do when life throws a few fast balls all at one time? You hurt you really hurt..sometimes you hurt to much to even cry, and you feel paralized and unable to get back up..and when you do get back up the hurt has caused you to put on a lot of padding to keep any more fast balls from hitting you. Only that padding also protects you from the hug that will comfort you, which ends up being a problem. the padding also does another job..it makes it harder to move and walk through life, you end up walking slower then a turtle while waddling like a penguin with all the protection you have put on. Then one day as you watch someone run past you and you want so badly to keep up you take the padding off..But because you have been wearing the padding for so long you are limp without it and you end up falling over face first and crying...letting out your frustration, your pain and then once you stand up again you realize your bruises they have healed and you just have to learn how to run through life again, instead of walking slow like a turtle or waddling down the path like a penguin.
That is until the next fast ball hits you and slows you down again

Jealousy

we all have it! You can say "you are wrong Tara, I am not jealous of anything" and you know what? I would know you are lying!! Clearly even if you try not to be jealous there are times when you are..even if it is only when you see somebody walking past you in like the best shoes ever, you know that statement "I wish I had those shoes" that is a jealous statement...

Anyways, I am talking the bigger type of jealousy where you look at someone Else's life and you think..why the heck does it all seem to work out for them? when you look and think I want what they have.. their life, their job, their bank account, their opportunity, whatever it is it is bigger then a pair of awesome shoes. The kind of jealousy where the grass is greener on the other side.

The kind of jealousy that leaves us feeling incontinent with the life we have and always wanting more. I don't think it is bad to want more for yourself and want to work towards a "better life"(for lack of a better term) but I do think there is something wrong with not being content in who you are, in what you have..I think there is something wrong with the jealousy that bring incontintment..the jealousy that leaves you not loving your life and not content with what you have at this moment while you work towards your goal, bettering you.

The question is how do you exit it from your life? How do live to be content with what you have, and who you are?

See The Real You

Question. Do you think the world, wants to see the mask you have put on or your beautiful face?

I can actually not tell you what the world wants to see, but I can tell you that I want to see your beautiful face instead! I want to know you and not the mask.

Who is the real you? So often we put on different masks depending on who we are with and the situation we find ourselves in. But why?? Is is not better to just be authentic? I think it is, but being authentic, being real puts you in a very vulnerable spot. It can be scary, I know!!!


But the real you is way better then looking at any mask you put on, no matter how fancy that mask is. The real you is just much more beautiful even if you think parts of the real you are really ugly. Know that I think that those parts make you even more perfect, even more beautiful! We all have ugly parts, but those parts are what make us the people we are today.

My O My you are gorgeous just the way you are. So, please take your mask off..I like what I see behind that mask, the real you SO much better!!

Filling Holes, Finding yourself

Have you ever had a loss in your life?..sure you have, we all have at some point. moving away from a friend, losing a loved one, being dumped, someone ate your ice cream...whatever it is you have had a loss.

Have you ever done this, or I am I the only crazy one? Have you ever tried to fill the hole that, that loss leaves? Fill it with drinking, partying, doing more things, fill it with other people, however you try to do it..instead of feeling the pain or letting the hole bleed, and scab and heal you fill it with gauze. The sucky part of this is eventually the gauze comes out and about 90% of the time the hole is reopened and infected.

Why the heck do we do this to ourselves..why do I do this to myself, the infected wound takes longer to heal then the wound that was there in the first place. If I would just take the time to clean it to give it time to heal in the first place the wound will heal, it may ooze a bit first but eventually it will heal..but instead of just letting it heal I fill it with gauze and usually tape the gauze on..and then when it happens and the tape comes off, the gauze falls out and things are so much worse then they could have been, would have been instead of having this little scar, now I have this rash from the tape, and oozing puss and I feel like life is falling apart, and everything seems to irritate the infected wound, and after an infected wound heals the scar is usually a little bigger then what it would have been in the first place..because now it is not laced with the memories it is often laced with the memories and some regret....WHY THE HECK DO WE DO THIS TO OURSELVES.

REFLECTIONS

When you look in the mirror, do you like what you see... Go stand in front of the mirror right now, if you were a person looking at you, would you like what you see....Now don't look at the color of your eyes, your hair do, the clothes you are wearing, the shape of your body, look at you! who you are!
When you look at you do you like what you see... Do you like the decisions you are making... Do you like how you are treating those around you...do you like how you are treating yourself...
Maybe a better question is...would you want someone to be like you.... Cause guess what people are watching you... Some one is striving to be like you, to love like you, are you living the example life.

Missing Something??

Do you ever have those moments where you are so wrapped up in what is going on or what you have to get done, that you miss out. You miss the important things in life.

For example:
Tonight I was running around doing laundry, cooking, trying to get some paper work in order for school, e-mailing some instructors and the whole time I was doing all of this my mind was wandering planning out my tomorrow. And then all of a sudden I was like crap I have to get some stuff to make my portion of the work pot luck tomorrow. I ran out of the house to my car and when I sat down in my car ready to focus on driving to the grocery store, I was like WOW it is raining!! At that moment I stopped and I wanted to kick myself in the butt...I was too busy worrying, too busy panicing, too busy busying myself..yes with things that need to get done but I was so wrapped up in them I was missing something..something that I love! I was so busy I didnt even realize it was raining, I didnt even process that it was raining while I was running to my car, my mind was too focused at that point on something that doesnt even matter. I love the rain, I love the smell of it, I love the sound of it (I might not have the same love for it if it were to rain everyday but i do love it).

It sucks when you make yourself so busy with stuff that you miss out on the things that matter in life: The beauty, the things that are happening, the people that matter..Just saying!

Maybe it is time to slow down.

Is life supposed to be comfortable??

I have absolutely no answer for that question! Well, truthfully I do and my answer would be: wouldn't that be nice! A comfortable life, a life of no hurting, a life of no disappointment, a life of no upheaval, a life of no surprises, a life of maybe few joyous moments or triumph or victory as you conquer the hurt or disappointment..

But really life(or the real life of loving people and caring for those around you) is not comfortable no matter how hard you try to make it..and if your life is comfortable maybe I want to know your secret! or maybe you are doing something wrong??? Just a thought...or maybe just my thought based on the definition of a comfortable life through my eyes...

The Answer to Life's biggest question...

What is the purpose to life??????



hahaha..I don't have the answer to that! i don't really think anyone really does, or maybe I should say if you sat at a table with ten people and you said to them you have to answer this question, you can not say there is no answer each person would have a different answer. Some would maybe say there is no purpose, some may say it is to live each day as it is your last, some might say it is to party your ass off, some might say it is to serve God, others might say it is to work live and have a family, others might say something else..I am sure you could fill in a few blanks of your own.

Do I have an answer to this question for myself..yes! I would say that as I have grown, changed, moved to a different place in life..this answer has more then changed a few times but it often comes right back to this: THE PURPOSE OF LIFE IS TO LOVE! Love who you are, love the life you have been given, love the moment, love each day, love the opportunities, love each person(I would have to say this one I struggle with at times..some people are just harder to love then others).
I live by this rule and really for me I think it is the only one that I have to live by and it covers a lot..IF I DO NOT LOVE THEN I AM NOTHING!

Hit the Pause Button

Press Pause..don't press fast forward or rewind, just press pause.

Now take a look at what you see!!! Remember we didn't press fast forward so we are not looking at what is to come, and we didn't press rewind so we are not looking at what has been...you pressed pause, look at right now!!

Look at the picture of right now!!! Look at how much you have, don't think about what you don't have! Think about what you have! Because the reality is you have so much!!!

When I press pause and actually think about it..I realize I have so very, very much!! Much more then I could actually dream of having...I can always dream of having more we all can but when we focus on that more we lose focus on what we have right now!!
And right now..I have an amazing family, the greatest friends, a job that I love, freedom, so many opportunities it is unbelievable...and so many other everyday things that I totally take for granted! Right now I have sooo much!!
I will always dream of more or better, somehow we are just wired like that...but in reality I am so rich, if you could see my bank account you would laugh at that statement and say you are so far from it..but money is not life and in life I am soo very rich!!!

Have you ever wondered HOW IMPORTANT you are and how much you effect those around you..and in turn effect those around them??

It is really a crazy thought..you by your actions, your words, your smile, your kindness, your frown, your knives they all effect the person they are directed at but in turn effect the people that, that person interacts with. So really if you think about it you could have contact with one person in your day, but be effecting 20....WOW that is big...Did you know that YOU, Your actions are really that important.

I have gotten to thinking about this a lot lately. As I have been reflecting on life, as we are approaching four months since my dad has passed.
Funny...this man who passed away, I really didn't like who he was, but he was my dad, I don't like anything that he did, and I have scars in my life from him, but again he was my dad. I exited him from my life nine years ago or so, and haven't actually had any contact with him other then on the phone and receiving birthday cards in seven years. Actually if we are to get technical I haven't had contact with him directly in two years. Any contact has been through a lawyer, a nurse or a social worker, or the man that has called my moms on behalf of my dad with information. Yet...this man, my father who I exited from my life has effected my life for life(he effected the years he was apart of my life, in turn effected the years he was not..and I am sure will have some effect on the years to come)..he has effected the lives of those who get close to me, he has effected the lives of every boyfriend I have ever had and will have. He has effected the way I see things, he has placed fears in me, which will effect those around me.......What Power He has had.....

Now that is a negative example but it is the first that comes to mind and it is the one that got me to thinking about how powerful you are...and what kind of power do you want to have on someone Else's life. This man has died and he is still effecting my life..and the scars that he left I am sure no matter how much I try in life I will never be able to make them completely disappear, and some people may be able to look past the scars that I have, others wont be able to and others still will be effected by getting a closer look at them. The scars he has left on me will never just effect me even if I try hard to only let them effect me..in reality he has effected each person that comes into contact with me.

So again I ask you what kind of effect do you want to have on those around you....you have the power to make or break someones day, you also have the power to wound someone or help them to see how wonderful they really are.....Just remember your power your actions, your smile, your frown, your yelling, your laughing, your anger, your kindness it doesn't just effect you. It doesn't just effect the person it is being directed at, and it may not just only effect today.

This..

I started this blogging thing a while a go..and those of you who check back to see what I have been doing, have probably noticed that all my old posts have disappeared. Those posts have been my past and are things I have seen and lived and ideas I have had..but I deleted them. And those of you who check here I am sorry I have definitely neglected this blog for a long time.
I deleted the posts and went to hand writting in a journal..for many reasons in the journal I never had to filter the thoughts that were streaming from my head or worry about who might read them, or be offended by them..my journal has become a good release, and even though I am picking this blog back up I will continue to journal as this will be different.
This time as I pick up this MY LIFE blog..it will hopefully not look like it once did. It wont be a journal of MY LIFE I can almost promise you that..but it will be a collection of random thoughts or thinking moments, or things that I have maybe read and want to share, or things that have made me laugh, or cry, or ache..more or less just things that have made me think or I have been thinking about a lot lately. The thoughts will obviously come from things I am living..so there will be pieces of my life written on this page.